Know That You're Whole
by MagentaQuinn
Summary: AU in which Vince Noir is smart and lonely. He lectures and lectures on Plato, love, and life- but will he ever find what he talks about? (Majorly influenced by Hedwig and The Angry Inch.)
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: AU where Vince is actually intelligent, and can use computers (unlike Noel) well enough to play video games and watch YouTube.

* * *

Vince Noir drew a pristine circle on a blackboard. "The Origin of Love." He drew a line halfway through the line, and two eyes, somehow making the circle into two faces. "First put forth in Plato's Symposium by some chap called Aristophanes. Everyone at the drinking party," he drew a wine glass under Aristophanes' name, "is going around and proposing what Love is. Now he had to skip his turn because he had an awful bout of hiccups, and cos this was Greece a long time ago, he didn't know to drink water upside down.

"This is what is said when he finally got his turn: 'Mankind;' he said, 'judging by their neglect of him, have never, as I think, at all understood the power of Love. For if they had understood him they would surely have built noble temples and altars, and offered solemn sacrifices in his honour; but this is not done, and most certainly ought to be done: since of all the gods he is the best friend of men, the helper and the healer of the ills which are the great impediment to the happiness of the race. I will try to describe his power to you, and you shall teach the rest of the world what I am teaching you. In the first place, let me treat of the nature of man and what has happened to it; for the original human nature was not like the present, but different. The sexes were not two as they are now, but originally three in number; there was man, woman, and the union of the two, having a name corresponding to this double nature, which had once a real existence, but is now lost, and the word _Androgynous _is only preserved as a term of reproach. In the second place, the primeval man was round, his back and sides forming a circle; and he had four hands and four feet, one head with two faces, looking opposite ways, set on a round neck and precisely alike; also four ears, two privy members, and the remainder to correspond. He could walk upright as men now do, backwards or forwards as he pleased, and he could also roll over and over at a great pace, turning on his four hands and four feet, eight in all, like tumblers going over and over with their legs in the air; this was when he wanted to run fast. Now the sexes were three, and such as I have described them; because the sun, moon, and earth are three;-and the man was originally the child of the sun, the woman of the earth, and the man-woman of the moon, which is made up of sun and earth, and they were all round and moved round and round: like their parents. Terrible was their might and strength, and the thoughts of their hearts were great, and they made an attack upon the gods; of them is told the tale of Otys and Ephialtes who, as Homer says, dared to scale heaven, and would have laid hands upon the gods. Doubt reigned in the celestial councils. Should they kill them and annihilate the race with thunderbolts, as they had done the giants, then there would be an end of the sacrifices and worship which men offered to them; but, on the other hand, the gods could not suffer their insolence to be unrestrained.' Now, who has a clue what any of that means?" A few people raised their hands. "You."

"Basically, there used to be three sexes. Man, woman, and a combination of the two. Men were Children of the Sun, Women were Children of the Earth, and the combination were Children of the Moon, because the Moon is a combination of the Sun and the Earth. The gods, however, got scared of their power, wondering if they should destroy them like they did the giants. All of a sudden, Zeus had a brilliant idea. He decided to split them down the middle. Unfortunately, their junk was on their back, so when they had sex, they couldn't eat or move around that well, so they kind of died. And then they got the brilliant idea to put their genitals on the front of Humans, and that somehow made it work."

"You're getting a bit ahead of us there with that last part, but yes, that's pretty much it. Do I need to quote the rest after it's been explained?"

"No Sir," the crowd rang.

"Good! Now, when you finally meet your soul mate, people say you know." He drew two faces, one his, and one a man in a Guy Fawkes mask. "But who is yours? Who here as already found who you believe is your soul mate?" He smiled as several couples raised their hands. "Then this doesn't apply to you. Everyone else, ask yourself these questions: 'Is it a he or a she? Or do you know yet? What does this person look like? Identical to me? Or somehow complementary? Does my other half have what I don't? Did he get the looks, the luck, the love? Were we really separated forcibly or did he just run off with the good stuff? Or did I? Will this person embarrass me? And what about sex? Is that how we put ourselves back together again? Or can two people actually become one again?' Classic questions of wholeness. Of completion. Of... Hedwig.

"But what do you do when you find this person, how do you know? Well, you just know. You just _know_, it's inexplicable as that. You can just feel it. You make eye contact, and you feel as if you catch on fire. You can finally complete the sentence you began, 'I am..!' They're your missing puzzle piece. You can lay next to them, or on top of them. And you fit together like the last two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. You know that they were the one who was your other half, because you fit perfectly together. Your body fits their body. Your hand fits their hand, even. Your lips fit their lips. You can finally sing in confidence: 'Look what you done. You made me whole. Before I met you, I was the song. But now I'm the video.' Because you are. You're finally a whole person again. And that's the sole meaning in life, to find your love; your joy." He drew a circle around all the had written, and made the two faces again. "Thank you for your time." The audience was in an uproar. "You can purchase my mini lectures on DVD, including Religion, Crimping, Animal Rights, Global Warming, and other important things. Along with my mini lectures, it also includes the movie and live show of Hedwig and the Angry Inch, where I first learned about the Origin of Love, and is also one of the most touching movies you'll ever see. Just add your name to the list." He blew a kiss, and folded up his blackboard.

It took almost two hours for everyone to sign the sheet, and it was the most impressive turnout Vince had ever had. Probably because that was one of the ones where Howard worked the sign-up sheet, and didn't have a segment.

"They really do think you're God."

"I know!" He giggled, looking at all the signatures. "This is amazing... I just wish that some of the things I preach about could happen for me."

"Like what?"

"I dunno. I suppose that I just want an answer. Are they real? What is real? What's true?"

"You shouldn't, though. That's half of what life is about, not knowing what the hell is going on."

"But I want to Howard! I want the infinite power, I want infinite knowledge... I want infinite love. I wanna find my soul mate."

"Sometimes you just need to stop looking."

"But I'm not looking. I'm not dating anybody. I'm just so lonely some times."

Howard pulled Vince off the park path, under a big tree. "What's getting into you Vince? You're giving lectures, you've committed ancient Greek texts to memory, you're actually starting to think, and you're lonely. That's me! You're turning into me! Vince is never lonely."

"Maybe I am turning into you. I'm all sad, and I don't know why! I just wanna cuddle."

"That's being lonely."

"Loneliness sucks."

Howard laughed. "Yeah, it does."

"It would just be nice to settle down, you know? I'm getting old, Howard."

"You're not getting old Vince!"

Vince sat down under the tree, and put his head in his hands. "But I am. I'm fourty!"

"That's not that old, Vince. At least, you have a good thirty more years. Sixty if you're lucky."

"Howard. Soon I'll be fifty, then I'll be sixty, then I'll be dead!"

"We still have the Fountain of Youth, Vince."

"It's not worth it. Naboo is four hundred years old, but think about how many close friends he's lost. He had to sit through the deaths of everyone he cared about."

"You can think about that later." Howard pulled out the flask of water he kept when he got a new crow's foot. He put a little on his finger, and held Vince's eye open. "This is a trick I learned. Good for your entire face." He put a drop in each of Vince's eyes, causing his face to lose about ten years.

"Thanks Howard. You always know what to do." He laid down, and Howard joined him.

"That cloud looks like a sheep," remarked Howard absentmindedly.

Vince didn't know what to do. His mind was full to the brink, and all of his horror instincts were tingling. He loved the rush of a jump scare; better than half the drugs he used to be hooked on. Jump scares were the reason he started playing Japanese horror. One of his favourite games was Misao. The plot isn't relevant to sheep, but one day, when Vince was stuck, he watched a walkthrough by a Swedish man named Pewdiepie, who was a game commentator. During the segment he watched, a character said: 'That cloud looks like a sheep', to which Pewdie responded: 'Best pickup line ever.' So Vince, as you could imagine, was _thoroughly _confused.

"Yeah, it does. That one kind of looks like a bowl of, erm, Misao soup."

"You mean miso?"

"Yeah. How did I say it?"

"Me-s-ow. That's a video game."

"Oh, is it?"

"Yeah."

"Never heard of it."

"It's popular online. A lot of people play it."

"Really? Anyone I'd know?"

"No, not really. There is this one guy that Fossil might of liked. He was Swedish."

"He only liked Swedish people because 'hell' in Swedish kinda sounds like 'Helvetica'." Vince laughed. "What's his name?"

"Pewdiepie." And that's when Vince almost shit himself.


	2. Chapter 2

Vince was sure of two things, and two things only: Howard had come on to Vince, even if he didn't know it; and Vince really liked the thought of it. He _really _liked the thought of it. To the point where he couldn't even be in the same room with Howard without having suggestive thoughts. It was absolute torture. Howard was his best mate, and they couldn't be in the same room for extended amounts of time unless there's a pillow on Vince's lap, or he's Duct-taped his junk so far back he doesn't even know where it is anymore. He knew it hurt to be beautiful, but sometimes he couldn't feel his feet because his trousers were too tight.

"Okay," said Vince to himself, in front of his blank blackboard. There was no audience this time. Just him. "Goal: Howard's pants." He wrote it, and then felt the need to draw out a sketch. "Ways to do that: Whiskey. Dropping testicles and actually telling him." He sighed. "Only one of those things are possible." He formulated a very transparent scheme to reach his goal.

"What are you doing?"

His plan had worked out so far. "I'm combing an old doll's hair." He smiled. "She was the first one I had, after they found me in the jungles. She was the only one who understood me. She was the only one who spoke my language."

"They didn't think it was a little weird for a boy to play with girl's toys?"

"I lived in the jungle for seven years. That was the least of their worries." He looked up at Howard, suddenly. "You've never looked at the photos of me, have you? When they first found me?"

"No. I don't want to see one of my best mates starved to death, with matted hair, and so much dirt he looks black."

"I suppose so. It was really hard to clean me off, but the research facility wouldn't let me do anything until I was bathed. As soon as I was bathed, though, I got Aya. That was the name of the nurse that gave her to me, and that's the only English name I knew. I was so afraid of breaking her. But I cuddled with her every night, when I would cry for Bryan. Her porcelain would heat up after a bit, and she felt like a real person. Her long blonde hair was good to twirl around my fingers when I got stressed." Vince stopped brushing her, and just looked into the painted eyes. "Nurse Aya was the only nurse I talked to, other than my doctor. I just called him Doctor, or Sir. Nurse Aya was always Nurse Aya." He smiled. "She gave me all kinds of dolls, all of them beautiful, all of them in fancy dresses. One day, Nurse Aya came in with a ring, and said her boyfriend had proposed. She explained marriage to me. And of course, I wanted to get married. And I wanted to get married in Doll Aya's dress. And her flower crown. No one explained to me that I was supposed to get married to a girl in a pretty dress, not wear one."

"Well if your _wife _is open minded enough..."

"Okay, you didn't get the point of that." Vince laughed, still fiddling with Aya's hair. "I'm... well as you put it, a massive gayist."

Neither of them made eye contact. Howard fiddled with his thumbs. "So... you like men?"

"Yeah. Wh- What do you think, Howard?"

"Think? About you being gay?"

"I... yeah."

"Doesn't really effect me, as long as you're not bumming men in my bed. Or while I'm in the room. Of course, I wouldn't be thrilled if you were having sex with _anyone _while I'm in the room."

"What about if I'm having sex with you?" They finally made playful eye contact.

"Yeah, like I'm going to let you take my virginity!"

Vince giggled. "Really? You're _still _a virgin?"

"Yeah. Sex should be for love, not the way you used to have it. A different girl every night."

"I was kinda in denial then. I thought if I shagged enough women that I could be attracted to them. It didn't work."

"Hm," replied Howard, fairly uninterested.

"You should really have sex though, Howard. Remember that movie 'Juno' with the skinny awkward American guy? How they were just friends, and they wanted to loose their virginity, to they did it. Why don't you do that?"

"Because you're my only friend..."

"Aww!" Vince put his doll down, grabbed a sheet of paper and a pen, and sat down Indian style on Howard's bed, so that their knees were touching. "Okay. We're going to go down a list. Made eye contact with an attractive person?"

"Yes. Not for long though."

"Okay. Uhm... held anyone's hand? In a romantic way, I mean, cos I hold your hand all the time."

"Then no."

"Okay." He wrote down 'hold pretty persons hand'.

"There should be an apostrophe."

"I really don't care." He smiled softly. "Kissed anyone."

"Yes."

"No, I mean like a real kiss. Not me."

"I hate to argue with you, but that kiss was pretty real."

"It was to save my life. Not a real kiss."

"I couldn't tell a difference."

"Because you haven't really kissed anybody."

"I don't think there's a difference."

"Of course there's a difference. Like... if I were to kiss you, for real, right here right now, I wouldn't come up so quickly. I would slink closer to you, and maybe just start with a tiny peck on the lips. Harmless. And then I would turn us over, both laying on our sides, and my hands would be around your neck and in your hair, while your hands are tight around my waist, so I can't squirm away from your grip, but it's not like I'd want to." Vince had started to blush, looking away. Howard was lost in thought, but cherishing every word. "And we would lazily press our lips together again, until there's enough sparks to fuel the fire, and complete passion takes over. You flip me over so my legs are around your waist, and both of our vision has gone red. The kissing is almost violent, even though I can't help but break into giggles each time you pull away for a breath." He paused. "You might wanna stop me here, cos I'll go full out gay porn, and I'm into some kinky shit."

"Oh come on, you're not that kinky."

"Excuse me? Do you rifle through _my _stuff like I do your's?"

"You look through my stuff?"

"That's not the point here, it's-"

"That is absolutely the point here! Sense when do you look through my stuff? What have you found?"

"Relax, I didn't read your diary or anything. It's all locked. I just found the jazz porn thing. That was the most interesting, at least."

"Good."

"Well now I'm interested. What's in the diary?"

"My business only."

"Tell me-e-e-e-e!" He bounced up and down on the bed like a child.

"Okay, fine. It's my speculations on the Origin of Love theory you proposed. How likely it is... and who mine could be."

"No way! I have to read it!"

"I haven't mentioned any names. Just what they might be like."

"Oh." Vince thought for a moment. "If you had to choose between a total stranger and me to spend the rest of your life with, who would you choose?"

"You. At least I like you, and I know that you won't murder me in my sleep." Howard smiled. "What about me? Would you choose me?"

"I would probably choose you over my soul mate."

"Why?"

"Because you are the only person I've ever met who knows how to hug correctly. You make comforting circles on my back. You never keep your hand still. It's not like hugging a body with you, it's hugging a person."

"Well you're like hugging a skeleton. Your pointy little nose digging into my neck."

Vince hit Howard playfully. "Shut up!"

"I never said I didn't like it."

"Are you coming onto me," Vince said playfully but urgently.

"No," laughed Howard awkwardly.

"Well I think you are. Cos bald dudes just know a lotta shit."

"What are you-" Howard's heart sunk into his stomach. "Oh."

"I actually like horror games, for the rush, and I love Misao. And Pewdiepie is cool as well. And you were totally using that sheep thing yesterday as a pick-up line."

"I may have been." Howard used his best poker face. "What's it to you?"

"You were kinda using it on me."

"Was I?"

"_Yeah_." Vince rolled his eyes. "Do you fancy me?" He made a face that was a cross between the Grinch and a cat emoticon when Howard didn't answer. "Oh my God," he whispered out of glee.

"Don't be an idiot, I don't fancy you."

"Why not? I fancy you," he said, perfectly casual.

"You what?"

"I fancy you, Howard. I have for a while, now." He giggled.

"That's good."

"And it's good because you fancy me, right?"

"I don't fancy you, Vince. I... I love you."

"Awww," said Vince, crawling closer to Howard. "I'm sleeping in your bed tonight," he said, after he kissed Howard. "I love you too."

"So... what are we?"

"Why do we have to label it? You're just Howard. If we're mates or lovers, you'll still just be... _Howard_. And I'll be Vince."

"I can live with that. Come 'ere Little Man." He opened up his arms, and Vince scooted into the bear hug, happy to be loved.


End file.
